Method of scientific "poke" and "poke"

The question of in what cases to “poke” or “poke” a person is regulated by a set of rules of behavior called etiquette.

This subject is not taught at school, parents also do not pay due attention to it, so a person’s idea of ​​when and who should “poke” and “poke” is very vague.

It is known that with elders you need to be on first name terms. With higher authorities - strictly on “you”. It is unclear how to proceed in other cases.

For example, if your boss is twenty years younger than you, is it okay to poke him? What does your intuition say about this?

It seems impossible. After all, he is the boss. And if he “pokes” you, then is it okay?

Etiquette obliges him to speak “you” with his elders, but he breaks this rule. Maybe then you can “poke” him a little?

And if you are equal with someone (both in age and position), then what is correct? "Poke" or "poke"?

For example, those who like to quickly switch to “you” often complain that there are people who stubbornly “knock out” and do not want to switch to “you”. We've been working together for ten years now, and he's always trying to figure it out.

Maybe I should call him names too, since he’s like that – not You wearable, or rather not You wearable?

Etiquette is, of course, very good, but psychology is better. There is a universal law in psychology that will help determine in which cases it is better to “poke” and in which to “poke”.

A very simple law.

He forced himself to respect

- Well, here on Earth, how do you determine who should sit down in front of whom for how long?
- Well, this is by eye...
- Savages!

"Kin-Dza-Dza"

It is believed that calling “you” expresses respect towards a person. In 1912, when the workers of the Lena mines went on strike, among their demands they wrote: “The workers should not be called by name, but by name.”

And in 1917 (by order of the Petrograd Army Council) the “you” address was completely abolished. From this it involuntarily follows that when we “poke” a person, we show him our disrespect and contempt. Although in fact this is not entirely true or not at all true.

I am sure that you have all read the wonderful book “The Twelve Chairs” by Ilf and Petrov. Remember how Kolya quarreled with Lisa over vegetarian food?

- What You finally clinging to me with her Tolstoy?
- I'm going to you hooked up with Tolstoy? I? I'm to to you hooked up with Tolstoy?

Italics are mine. What happened, tell me please? Why did Lisa switch from “you” to “you”?

Did she suddenly feel some special respect for Kolya? Or is it something else? How do you think?

And the point is this. “You” and “you” in psychology (as opposed to etiquette) do not mean an attitude (respectful in the case of “you” or familiar in the case of “you”), but a communication distance.

The word “distance” can be taken quite literally – it is the distance at which people communicate with each other.

Communication distance implies the ability (or impossibility) to get close to a person so that you can touch him.

If there is such an opportunity, you can “poke”. If this is not possible, then it is better to remain on “you”.

Let me illustrate this with an example.

The boss is 20 years younger than his subordinate, but he addresses him on a first-name basis, and the subordinate calls him out. Can a subordinate switch to "you"?

Yes, he can, if he can pat his boss on the shoulder. Or on the hand. Or on the back. Or “friendly” poke him in the side with your fist.

In other words, if in communication between people there is not only verbal, but also physical contact, then you can “poke”.

But if your communication is exclusively verbal, and physical contact is excluded, then you have no grounds for “poking.” Stay on "you".

"You" and "you" are speech regulators of communication distance between people.

When communication involves physical contact (touching, hugging, patting, etc.), people communicate on a first-name basis.

If someone offers to get on a personal level, first of all, this means that this someone is ready for physical contact.

But if someone persistently calls you “you,” this means that he excludes any manifestations of “friendly” relations. You can only talk to him and nothing more.

“You” – brings closer and closer. “You” removes, alienates. When spouses quarrel, like our Liza and Kolya, the result is physical intolerance to each other, people develop a need move away, move away or leave. That's why it's "you". Now we can't be close, in other words.

As you can see, the formula is very simple. If there is no physical contact between people, it is better for you to remain on first name terms.

Even if you are three steps higher on the career ladder. Or 30 years older. Well, if shorter or younger, then even more so.

Older people should be addressed as “you” because they have more life experience, and such treatment serves as a sign of respect for them. Also, “you” is used to address those who are higher in position or rank, which allows you to create strong business relationships. There are other cases of similar treatment, which will be discussed below.

It is customary in society to communicate on a first-name basis between people of the same age, social and business status. In this case, the important point is that the interlocutors should know each other well, that is, be on friendly terms. You should correctly determine the moment at which you can switch to “you” in communication with a person. Usually it occurs when you feel that it is easy for you to communicate with your interlocutor, you always find a common language, and do not feel embarrassed. Please note that in accordance with the rules of etiquette, during communication between a man and a woman, it is the latter who should initiate the transition to “you”. Thus, she shows her trust in the man and the desire to make communication more intimate.

Ways to switch to “you”

Before switching to personal communication, ask the person’s permission to do so, for example, “May I switch to “you”?” If the formal phase has dragged on for a long time, and you feel a kindred spirit in this person, you can say more simply, for example, “let’s talk on a first-name basis?” At the same time, first think carefully about whether your interlocutor will be against this. Even if you feel comfortable in the conversation, he may feel some awkwardness. Try to recognize his emotions and understand their attitude towards you.

There is no exact opinion as to what time it is best to switch to “you”. In some cases, this requires communicating with a person for days or even months in a formal tone, and in others, the transition is carried out already in the first minutes of the conversation. Most likely, you yourself will feel this moment intuitively.

If you doubt that you should switch to “you”, do not rush to do it. In Russia, it is common practice to address all strangers as “you”. If you make a mistake and switch too abruptly to a familiar tone of communication, you risk thereby being rude to your interlocutor. It may seem to him that by doing this you want to demonstrate your superiority over him or show disdain. Therefore, further communication may no longer work out as expected.

Don’t know what address to choose when meeting a new person, or do you want to understand when you can switch to “you” in communication? The rules of speech etiquette will come to the rescue, explaining when and what kind of address is more appropriate to use.

The reforms of Peter 1 introduced into our speech the use of “You,” which he borrowed from European culture. The innovation that came from the West took a long time to take root, but now we don’t even remember that it has non-Russian roots.

Forms "You" and "you"

Having studied the basics of speech etiquette, you can get precise recommendations on the use of addresses “you” or “you”.

When it is necessary to address the interlocutor as “you”

The use of “you” emphasizes formality and respect for the interlocutor, and is regulated by specific rules of etiquette.

1. If you need to contact someone you barely know or a complete stranger, for example: “Could you tell me if I filled out the application correctly?”
2. If the interlocutor is familiar to you, but he is older than you. In this case, it is useful to know a few additional conditions. It is more appropriate to supplement the address with a first name and patronymic to those interlocutors who are over 25 years old: “Fedor Petrovich, you understand how important this is for me!” And if your partner is younger, then we add only the name: “Fedor, you know how I would like to solve this problem!”
3. The formality of the situation, which requires building communication at work on a “you” basis. We list the main situations in which this etiquette requirement must be observed:

• communication with colleagues, even if informal relationships have developed between them, in the presence of third parties, including when participating in meetings, symposiums, round tables and seminars;
• during the interaction between buyer and seller, doctor and patient, driver and passenger;
• in the work of a teacher or teacher when addressing middle and high school students and students.

When to Capitalize When Addressing “You” in Writing

We will separately outline the rules that apply when using “you” in written speech. Even if a conversational style is chosen, etiquette requires addressing recipients as “you,” thereby emphasizing respect for them. But if neither the number of people who will read the text nor their names and surnames are known, then in this case we will write the address in small letters. An example is any address by the author to the reader in an article. If the addressee is known, then using a capital letter is mandatory, for example, when writing a letter to a specific person.

When can I address you as "you"?

“You” is a colloquial form of address to well-known people, indicating the presence of a close relationship, although if it is used in relation to a stranger, it will be perceived either as disrespect for him or as bad manners of the addressee and a gross violation of etiquette requirements.

“You” can be addressed to a colleague, friend, children and is regulated by the rules of speech etiquette in the following cases:

1. Appeal in the family to relatives and household members, regardless of their age. Today, the tradition of children addressing their parents as “you” has almost been lost.
2. An informal setting in which colleagues and co-workers can afford to use the colloquial “you”.
3. Appeal to children under 9 years of age.
4. friends, colleagues, acquaintances or peers.

Transition from “you” to “you” and from “you” to “you”

Speech etiquette helps to find answers to questions about how in the process of communication it is possible to replace the address “You” with its colloquial version “you”.

Rules for switching from “you” to “you”

Most often, this is possible when the situation allows you to switch to an informal form of communication. The main requirement in such a transition is to obtain permission from the interlocutor to use “you” as a less formal option.

Basic rules for the transition from “you” to “you”, regulated by speech etiquette:

• The proposal to switch to “you” must come from the older interlocutor to the younger one, who receives the right to accept or reject such an offer.
• In communication between a man and a woman, etiquette prescribes that it is the woman who is the first to suggest a transition to “you” to her interlocutor. This rule is not always followed, but this does not mean that it does not exist.

When is it possible to switch from “you” to “you”

A reverse transition means that the interlocutors’ communication conditions have changed. For example:

• Communication partners' relationships have deteriorated, and now they need to emphasize the formality of communication.
• When relatives come to work, they change “you” to “you”, thereby trying to demonstrate to their colleagues the lack of close relationships.
• People who know each other well find themselves in a situation or meeting, or at work, in relation to each other, they are employees who are not equal in status, but, for example, a manager and a subordinate. Among colleagues, addressing themselves as “you”, they show the ability to separate friendly and work relationships.

Knowing the rules of speech etiquette and following them, each person will be able to improve their interaction with others and not find themselves in situations in which they will be considered ignorant or insufficiently educated.

In our country, it is customary to address any stranger or unfamiliar person with “You,” regardless of his age and social status. The exception, perhaps, is children. Here opinions differ. Some believe that only an adult citizen is “worthy” of the address “You”, while others argue that children after 9 years of age, especially in an official setting (in a classroom, for example), should be addressed exclusively as “You” - this helps to form a a young person's sense of self-esteem.

In an official setting, addressing “You” is also common among people who know each other well. This allows you to emphasize the business nature of communication and create a more serious and strict atmosphere. So, for schoolchildren, for example, it is strange to hear when teachers within the walls of an educational institution address each other as “you” in their presence.

Addressing older people with “you” is also accepted, regardless of the circumstances. The exception, perhaps, is for members of the same family and cases where people with a large age difference are very close friends. Although for many such exceptions are unacceptable: there are families in which even mother and father are respectfully addressed as “you”.

In other cases, the choice of form of address remains quite free, but for some there is still a certain barrier in the transition from “You” to “you”. Some may perceive too quick a change from an official address to an unofficial one as disrespect for themselves, while for others the address to “You” seems too cumbersome, and they are unpleasant to hear it addressed to them.

When to switch to “you”

If you feel that your relationship with a person from the “official” area is moving into a less formal one, if it is easy and pleasant for you to communicate with him, and you feel that the interlocutor has similar feelings for you, you can directly invite him to switch to “you”, especially if he is the same age and gender as you. As a rule, such an offer is not refused.

When communicating between a man and a woman, the transition from “you” to “you” should occur only on the woman’s initiative, especially if the relationship is not business, but friendly or even more than just friendly. The fact is that women feel the degree of intimacy with a man more acutely, and a sensitive and polite gentleman will allow his lady to switch to a more confidential address “you” when she herself is ready for this. True, many believe that such conventions are inappropriate in a business setting, and the initiator of the transition to “you” between colleagues can be either a woman or a man.

Addressing “you” in relation to subordinates or people of lower social status, and even in some way dependent on you, can be perceived by the latter as a manifestation of “lordship”, disrespect for their personality, and a very painful blow to their pride. On the other hand, a person in a subordinate position is unlikely to offer to switch to “you”, for fear of showing disrespect or being branded ignorant. In such cases, the transition from “You” to “you” is hardly justified. An exception may be situations when confidential and informal relationships develop between these people due to various circumstances.