(NLP trainings)
Do you know why we are so nervous when we communicate with people? Do you know why most people I know consider themselves “sociopaths”?
The fact is that we allow most people to influence our personality (aka identity)!
This needs to be stopped in childhood...
For example... If strangers make comments to your child... (which is considered absolutely unacceptable in the modern world - although the idea is controversial for compatriots), then how should his parents react to this?
Psychologists advise using one unexpected, ironic and funny technique. Teach your child a “magic” phrase that works akin to a real magic spell:
“My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier.” .
If your child learns to pronounce these words with very clear diction and (necessarily!) friendly and confident intonation, then the spell will work like Harry Potter’s “Petrify!”...
The secret of the success (and pedagogy) of this technique lies precisely in the fact that NOT EVERY CHILD will be able to satisfy these three simple conditions:
However, if you raise your child in such a way that it will not be difficult for him to cope with the above conditions, then this means only one thing:
You are already doing an EXCELLENT job with your parental responsibilities and don’t need the “help” of strangers. And besides, your child (being who he is) does not deserve any pseudo-pedagogical remarks from the outside.
If you have already grown up and are no longer a child, do not be sad. The same phrase can also be pronounced by adults (in some situations), omitting its first part about mom or replacing it with “Modern psychology teaches”...
not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier
NLP trainers work with people who, due to their work, are forced to listen to other people’s criticism and even respond to it.
Most often, all “critics” in their criticism are not engaged in analyzing the problem that has arisen, but directly attack your identity, that is, in other words, they get “personal”, discussing the color of your eyes and hair, your parents and your human qualities (which By the way, they are unknown).
But we are all designed in such a way that we take all these illogical and indecent attacks to heart - we allow strangers (and other people in general) to influence our personality...
In a previous article on our website (“Five levels of thinking in NLP or Debriefing in NLP”), we already talked about the existence of five levels of being that we see and which we blame when we are faced with a certain problem, with a freelance task.
Let me remind you briefly:
So, the critic (and just an aggressive person) shouts at us: “It was your fault!” or “What did you do?!”
And in his eyes we read a whole list of what he thinks about us: “It’s your fault, because you: ......”
We also perceive a remark at the level of affecting identity at the level of identity and think to ourselves: “Something is wrong with me. Look, even strangers can see this!”
The mistake is that we don’t understand (until NLP explained it to us!) these strangers DON’T SEE ANYTHING!
They always express various insults to everyone at the level of identity - it’s just their bad habit.
But working in a stressful job, we take every such conversation to heart, and this can cause us to “burn out.”
NLP trainers teach how to deal with conflict situations.
A magic formula-spell saves. Remember it:
« I'm very sorry that it all turned out this way.
I'm sorry this upset you so much.
Tell me what did I do wrong? (What did we do wrong?)
Tell me what exactly happened? (What happened from your point of view, give your version).
What can we do now?»
So, by switching the attention of the aggressor from yourself and your personality to what happened problem, you
a) don’t burn out at work and in society in general,
b) solve the problem,
c) part with your “offender” as friends.
And the last point is important. After all, the proverb “don’t have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends” is familiar to you?
he didn’t need an article, why are you bothering with something he didn’t ask for? Better tell him,
to answer such a question is not at all stupid and is even very relevant.
If such a phrase is uttered by a child of five or eight years old, purely and seriously, then there will still be “petrification”. But if an adult says something like this, then he will hear enough of it :). Such phrases are not allowed in the Russian mentality :)
I’m not my own, I’ve been living in another country for many years and I can compare. It's always clearer from the outside. there is a Russian mentality. And somewhere in the village you can even be beaten for making such statements :))). They’ll think you’re kidding me :))) Well, of course, these are all certain people, but other people (well-mannered) won’t even make rash remarks. so think carefully about whether those for whom such phrases are intended will understand.
You wrote two contradictions in one post:
1. “not your own” mentality. those. General?
2. And then divide it into two subcategories. Educated and ill-mannered. Are there any other options?
If so, I'm right.
Everyone has their own mentality. Personal, not national, cultural...
cough, cough. You don't seem to know the meaning of the word mentality. good manners is good manners, and mentality is mentality :)) There are no contradictions in my post. Google it :))). In general, you probably need to live abroad to understand what the Russian mentality is :))). Yu. from the bins. :))
I will be glad to hear your opinion.
Although it’s understandable when you see what surrounds a person around the themes that essentially he is.
There is only one homeland. If this is in the Russian sense of the word.
And now you are in nowhere. Where are your roots? Ancestors. Or maybe this is you? That's what you are.
What difference does it make whether it is science or not science? Here is Mathematics - science - so what? Does this help you in any way in your daily life? But Elena’s advice helps! Thank you! I’ll learn the magic phrase myself and teach it to my 4 year old son!!! My 7 year old son will remember it himself:)))
the child must be protected. So that he feels parental support.
Let Lena write about this - how to do it correctly.
I know of two forms of protection so far - one is like in Raikin’s sideshow, when they educate and look after the whole yard. And the other one is indecently domestic - I’ll tear everyone apart for my cub
Elena! Thank you very much for your articles! The wisdom with which you teach us to interact in this world speaks of deep knowledge in various fields and helps us survive in our difficult times, times of change. This is difficult for people living in Finland to understand.
Often on the street, involuntarily, you see mothers torturing their children. The trouble is that they lack basic knowledge of psychology... I just want to make her remark, but there is a brake inside........
It is necessary to educate the adult population (parents), then we can strive to solve this problem......... Perhaps I am wrong, but the level of culture in society, morality is falling and falling. There is a degradation of society......
For the first time I will make a critical comment on the content of Elena’s article. In the part where her advice applies to relationships between adults. So, the advice to express regret that “it happened this way” (instead of “I did it/I didn’t do it”) is a great temptation, a temptation for the individual to abandon HIS responsibility, assigning to himself the role of ascertainer of the event. “I’m sorry it HAPPENED this way” is a standard phrase from an unscrupulous and at the same time abusive employee. Masking his own mistakes or inaction, he, i.e. extends responsibility to everything around him, while simultaneously distancing himself from what is happening, and even rising above it to the philosophical “shit happens.” I have met this type of people many times and have studied it well. Using the terminology of Elena’s article, we can say that such behavior is a sacrifice of personal responsibility as part of one’s own identity. And in my opinion, a person loses his integrity by practicing such mimicry, and vice versa - demonstrates his maturity and value by accepting his responsibility, even if he realizes that the result of his work is far from expected.
Something like that.
the expected reaction, by the way. normal and common... for the post-Soviet space.
We were taught to be responsible to the end. Many have learned, and even more are jealous of those who care about the lantern. Because the latter is easier.
You, comrade, have laid everything out so responsibly and proudly hit yourself in the chest, that one might think that all your working “diagnoses” turned out to be indisputable, the methods for solving problems were correct, and the results were sustainable. And you, according to the results every day, as before the Supreme Court, are already clean and justified.
In one old book this is called Pride and very modestly reminds that a person makes a lot of mistakes on his way, not knowing what he is doing.
When accepting responsibility, a person should not put his head under the ax. And this happens to those who do not know how to forgive themselves for their mistakes, who are trained to be smart and proud. On this basis, many psychological states flourish, or, simply put, shifts that interfere with further living and working.
NLP is a Western, bourgeois science, for those. who loves himself. For former “cogs of the system,” self-love is a foreign and indecent thing. Lena wrote that family foundations have been preserved for three hundred years. Considering that we emerged from the oppression of serfdom only 150 years ago, then only our great-great-great will learn to love ourselves, as the bourgeoisie do now... In the meantime, as he told our great-grandfathers, we will be responsible without fail, because our backs remember more rods in the stables :)
Pavel.beles***@g*****.com 10/09/2011
So many generalizations)), Well, oh well. How many people, so many opinions)) Any person is free to choose his position regarding responsibility for his own actions. Someone chooses the position “before the lamp”, by the way, “a cog in the system” - this comes from the same place - “it’s not me, I’m just a cog, this is the system.” At best an observer, at worst a victim. But the freedom of such a position, thank God, coexists with the freedom to fire a slacker who is not in his place. For “All desires must come true” (c) Cagliostro/Gorin. One selects a mature personality for cooperation, the other can now talk with sufficient grounds about what “happens” from the outside. After all, he is not the subject of events and this is his personal choice.
Such things.
Pavel.beles***@g*****.com 10/09/2011
Why? He'll be wrong. But her (mature personality) difference is that she is capable of development, recognition of her own imperfection (in our case, mistakes or inaction) is the first step towards change. Correcting mistakes and learning from them. And a person who believes that the outcome of an event is connected with his personal actions is motivated - he is the creator of the result, not an observer, and in no case a victim. And the person who creates fogs like “the analysis WAS not taken into account...”, “The invoice WAS not filled out correctly,” “There was an error in the calculations,” etc. (sorry for the prose of life) is doomed to become swamped. The truth is that it can change, either through the activation of the instinct of self-preservation, or simply by growing up. There is a place for everything in life.
No, a mature person can make mistakes and screw up, but he does not relieve himself of responsibility and takes action to correct/eliminate the mistake/situation.
We can also say that a mature person will do everything possible to prevent the repetition of a negative situation in the future, and an immature person will think about how to avoid punishment in the future...
The difference is obvious.
Pavel.beles***@g*****.com 10/09/2011
I didn't see any contradiction. I agree that I did not understand your answer due to my own bewilderment, thus showing. my own maturity))) I’ll end there.
3. We translate it into constructiveness and specificity: a person will have to explain why he thinks so and move from the level of identity to the level of actions and actions. And if he doesn’t move on, and answers “It’s just a head of cabbage!”, or “Because you’re a fool!”, we already understand that his statements are simply unfounded and can be ignored.
4. We do not absolve ourselves of personal responsibility, and if in response to our question a person begins to list specific actions, then this will already be a constructive conversation on correcting specific aspects of behavior that identity no longer affects.
If you wish, you can find a few more pluses!
Which ones will you see?
Pavel.beles***@g*****.com 10/09/2011
Agree. Rational communication never fails
The phrase is magical and works on its own. But let’s try to understand what’s behind it. 1. “My mom (dad) teach me” - with this phrase the child says that he has authoritative people responsible for his upbringing. This means that other people’s statements about him do not have a decisive meaning for him. Thus, the child tactfully makes it clear that he heard you, but he has his own a priori position on this matter. 2. ... that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier. With this phrase, the child makes it clear that the person who evaluates the child is most likely not ready to a) take on the task of changing his behavior (situation); b) establishes the absence of a connection between empty words (after all, a person does not undertake obligations) and specific purposeful actions. And most importantly, an adult mentor does not expect such a smart answer that it cuts the ground from under his feet. And then any objection like “you’re the smartest one here” clearly lowers him in terms of culture and intelligence below a growing person.
Absolutely any person is part of the environment in which he lives. This implies a reluctance to stand out from society. Now we can conclude that the subjective evaluative opinion of each of us is the result of the influence of public judgments.
The main task of assessment is self-control and self-government, coupled with identifying oneself with society. We begin to talk about value judgment when it comes to concepts such as protecting honor and dignity. But most often this concept is used precisely in the scientific field in order to define certain facts and theories.
A value judgment is a person’s subjective assessment of any environmental phenomenon. Simply put, it is an opinion that is most often expressed using evaluative concepts. We are used to using them in everyday life, for example, for better or worse. In this way we explain our personal position in relation to a specific object, person or phenomenon.
Value judgments are usually divided according to their direction. We can talk about three types:
To understand this issue, you need to determine what scientific experience is and where to get it. Everything is simple here, usually these are any events, concepts, theories, schemes that are presented by competent people in an orderly and specific manner. The amount of knowledge in the world is crazy, but only those that have received approval from the scientific community and have been published in special publications are recognized as scientific. Theoretical judgments should not be confused with the most ordinary facts. After all, a phenomenon is a specific event, and a theory is a scheme of actions. Each person gives certain phenomena and objects an independent assessment, and it is considered as such, even if this judgment is imposed on him by the world around him.
Psychology characterizes value judgments as follows. They are: correct/incorrect, adequate/inadequate, optimal/suboptimal. A person characterizes each of his factual judgments and value judgments in accordance with these three positions. Even though a person may make mistakes, he always considers his opinion to be correct, adequate and optimal. Each of these characteristics has its own properties. For example, a person can form an opinion about the correctness of another person’s judgment if he compares it with the patterns of events. As for adequacy, we compare the judgment with reality, with existing facts. The optimality of an opinion is determined by the benefit of the opinion to the one who expresses this opinion. For example, if a person decides to lie, such an opinion can be called optimal if, thanks to his lie, the person achieves his goal. Examples of an inadequate and suboptimal value judgment may be as follows: something unpleasant happened to a person, but he looked at the situation with optimism and found positive aspects. In the future, this judgment helped him achieve new goals and change his life for the better. By assessing the surrounding reality, a person can manage and control himself, thereby shaping his own reality. If we talk about the most important mission of value judgment, then this is not the fight for the truth, but the justification of one’s own thoughts, words, and actions.
A proposition is a proposition that is expressed through narration. Typically we deal with the following types of opinions:
If an opinion incorporates several of the above characteristics at once, it means it is constructive.
Value judgment is of no small importance in the educational process. In fact, the teacher’s activity is aimed at assessment. Grades are a kind of indicators of the achievement of certain results by students, which act on students as a motivation to action. And if everything is clear with psychology, then in pedagogy there is its own classification of value judgments.
As we see, value judgments play a major role in the educational process.
Scientific interpretation of facts does not take place without evaluation and expression of opinion. Every scientist, after analyzing and studying any information, must express his opinion, which he formed during the research process. That is why any material has true social facts that are mixed with the subjective opinion of the author. It is possible to identify value judgments in scientific publications through the use of the following constructions in the text: in all likelihood, it seems, most likely, there is reason to assume, I think, my point of view, and so on. Often such judgments can become the basis for explaining the influence of events on other objects or phenomena. They can be identified by the presence of the following phrases in the text: this situation can become an example, this fact explains the following, based on the above, a conclusion can be drawn, and so on.